Bro is right! I promise you that I am not writing this for sympathy. I am just at a Crossroads in my life (hence my latest podcast episode below) where I now see and understand the experience first hand of being at the knees of doctors and phlebotomists to stay alive.
Not only am I not fully insured for these neverending tests, prescriptions, and doctors who are out of network, it’s the antagonizing comma in my medical bills that are not not pleasant to look at. Imagine, it cost almost $79,000 to keep me alive with two blood transfusions and a closely monitored hospital stay.
Oh wait…
All while being fresh at a new job that I have not been at for a month yet…
But to the peanut gallery, these are simple hurdles we must overcome by trusting in God right?
With the new aches and pains of it all, ie: my precious blood thinners I must take for my pulmonary embolism, A simple bump on my desk means bruising. And then some other meds I have to take for my fibroids that are causing me pain and suffering of course, of course makes me so irritable and annoyed.
I was taking one a day and now have to take two.
Then REMEMBERING to take my medicine.
Then when I run out of medicine, REMEMBERING that this healthcare system is so ridiculous that I have to chase doctors own for a pre-authorization because the dosage is not covered…
All while trying to keep cool as healthcare workers speak to me like I am a fucking junkie for depleting my medicine faster even though I was directed to.
I am chronically ill and will be for a while and accepting that is the hardest part of this all.
I’ve cried and had high levels anxiety ever since this all happened. I keep thinking to myself that “I could of DIED” and that’s what I’ve giggled and joked about these past couple of weeks. But, it’s a mask to basically hide my embarrassment…
It’s embarrassing to ALMOST die. Even more embarrassing to almost die from your menses where you have been bleeding out to the point of severe anemia and blood clots that are traveling everywhere. In this case, my lungs.
The moment when your doctor is telling you that you have choices to make, you instantly realize that this dude isn’t playing around.
It was 2 units or NAH?
I’m like, ok, God…Creator….whoever…..
So here I am, healing.
Doing everything I need to do to stay alive at this point….
even on my days off…
even when I am tired….
even when people reminded that i’m just a sickling….
even when it’s thrown in my face that I am sick…..
even though I feel like a prisoner in this easily bruised body…
I look at my goals and nevermind my weaknesses.
Fighting to stay alive is a battle…
I think of all the people who fought the good fight and how it would be foolish and insulting to give up so easily.
All my promises that I have made to myself, will prevail.
But to all of the people out there fighting the good fight, i’m pleased to announce that I stand beside you in this journey and to keep pushing and grinding.
Nobody fights harder than a person that wants to stay here.
Truly…
I’m learning to deal with my illness as chronic even though I have had it for almost a decade. Just saying chronic is hard. Good luck to you and may the drs treat you better.
I’m glad to have you as my mother. All this will pass 🙂 bc you’re the strongest person I know